“I will say that to watch someone die – and I’ve done it now, numerous times – to see somebody for the last time, to know that you’re not going to see them again; to say goodbye to somebody in front of you and know that when you walk away from them, you’ll never see their eyes open again, you’ll never hear their voice again – it changes your perspective on everything. It’s the only thing I know that really clarifies the world, and it enables you to get rid of all the noise that comes from the news, media and work and the busy life and all the rest of that stuff. It enables you to just look straight ahead and ask, Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing, am I who I’m supposed to be? When my moment comes and I’m in that bed, how am I gonna feel about myself? If it happened tomorrow, how would I feel? And I’ve never stopped thinking about it. To me, it’s sort of the biggest question we have, isn’t it? I mean, if there wasn’t such a thing as death, we’d all be living differently. But because this life is finite, we’re in this slow race trying to figure out what’s the best use of our time. Should we be loving more, should we be with our family more? Should we be taking more time to enjoy the world and see it, why are we working so hard? What’s it about? And I find that having seen a lot of people die, and hearing all the time about people dying, it really does make me think about those questions. And that’s probably why these themes keep ending up in my books, because they’re a lot of what I have on my mind all the time. ” - Mitch Albom
It just occurred to me that I did watch him die, all of us did. I've never seen his death as something like this. If anything, we were all mostly concerned about getting life back on track, getting accustomed to one less person in the house. If anything, we were definitely concerned about getting him to the hospital as fast as possible, the ambulance arrived and all, the paramedics came, there were so much chaos, I knew we were going to the hospital, I was expecting another two months stay, and then he'll be home once again, I didn't think much, I think we took a cab there while Mama was on the ambulance with him, I don't remember details. I know when we reached it was just chaos, everything was really happening to quick. The next thing I know the doctor was doing the 1, 2, 3, clear! thing, and then the next moment everyone broke down and cried, except for me, except for me. Obviously I hadn't grasp hold of the situation until Dajie said in between tears "Daddy 走了..." and I was sitting on Mama's lap, and then I was looking at everyone crying and then Mama was telling Kor to inform the relatives. 4shu came and said "Robin, qi lai liao. Robin" shaking him, and there he was just lying there motionless. Was he wearing the oxygen mask? I can still remember vividly how he looks like on the death bed. & I've always stayed away from looking into coffins because it just scares me, like they'll suddenly open their eyes omg and stare at me OMG seriously. It may have been from watching all those Chinese vampires movies!
Memories are these pieces that lets us hold on to the people that has left, that they are still a part of your life. I've always held on to this belief that made me stronger and who I am today. But how tightly do you hold on to? Life still goes on, and on, and on, then you die. It's going to be 9 years in a month or so. 9 years just flew by like this. 9 years before I've written like this. I vaguely remember writing but it shook me so hard I couldn't continue. The words spoken are still ringing in my ears. I can still remember his voice, but I can't remember what is he saying.
My way of coping has been just fine I guess. Does this make me a better person? Does this really changes my perceptive on everything? I think so. I don't see death as a morbid subject but it is really one topic that is very close to my heart, being affected by it personally, 9 years ago. I don't see how I am affected to this extent when my 3 grandparents died, but his was really something altogether. I've lived half of my life without him around me. Then again, he is. This is definitely not my weakness. I have always been a strong, strong girl. Everyone has been working really hard, we do just fine, we are a supportive family no matter what. Family definitely comes first. Mama raising the 4 of us for 9 years and counting, Kor was about 18 too, and apart from NS he had to be a man, taking on his roles, being the only man in the house, not exactly the head of the house, just a manly-figure, and it is a good thing I guess, or else it would only be Mama's point of view all the time. I think we are all trying to be like him, he is still a role model in our lives, working so hard to get this current house we're living in settled, even though he was already having cancer then. Sad to say, he lived here for, 2 weeks when it took the last 2 years of his life to oversee the building, the construction. Is it worth it? Definitely is, for all of us to have a roof above our heads, it is. Kor has plans to get a private property, probably as investments, to get a bigger garden, to have dogs, but this #04-01 that we're living in, we'll never ever ever sell it away, it means too much. In a way it feels like he's still protecting us, because home is where the heart is, and home is the safest place on earth, the ultimate comfort zone that you can be yourself totally. He has given us this, 9 years and counting without fail, and it will still stand forevermore. Dajie was also really the big sister in the house. Somehow we all had our own ways of keeping ourselves busy, our own ways of coping with this. During Qing Ming one year she cried, a few of us did. I always say my tear glands are inactive, because this has toughen me, any shit coming my way were irrelevant or peanuts compared to this. Nothing could have been any worse. Nothing.
I've never written this in detail. Even then, I think selective memory is working here. Actually it is not in order my memory is really not working here I don't remember it in sequence anymore because when I think back it was really blur like I can no longer piece the sequence together. It is never easy, I've gotten this far without shaking too much or completely deleting this post.
I think, this is closure for me. To be able to confront something part of me that I have not given much thought to until I came across the content quoted above, which really moved me for a bit there. Or the beginning of something that I've yet to discover, about life and death, and everything in between.
It has really been an amazing day. I handed all three assignments due today on time or even earlier. I had a good laughs with a few friends. I'm writing again. My thoughts are coming together tonight. Maybe I just need a topic that I'm really really familiar with, something I'm dealing with on a daily basis, and definitely something I'm feel strongly about. And definitely, time, for sleeping in the wee hours of the morning is no joke.
& lastly, Mitch Albom has become one of my favourite authors.
I miss you.
x x x