This morning I woke up thinking about what I wanna say to you, the words that you would never hear unless I explode again,
How I need you to be strong for both of us because I cannot do it anymore
How I need you to love me before I can love myself; when in life I should love myself first before I can let love in from anyone else
How do I live and be okay with the disappointments; when the fact is if I do not hold such (high) expectations I would never be disappointed in the fucking first place
How I can never trust you again; when in fact our relationship was never based on trust, it was merely based on the test of time and because I keep going to you / you coming back to me, but I have to realise the trust between us was never spoken up till now has waned the test of time and is no longer present; simply because I exploded
How you are the trigger to my plot, time and time again
How I based much of my happiness on you; the way you feel when you're with me; short yet sweet; but never enough
How we locked up each other's words and thoughts in a destructive corner that I've been trying means and ways to get it out; when in fact I probably made you think that I do not want to be bothered; which is pretty true because I do not want to know, yet I do, which makes this entire issue extremely contradictory because I can't decide which parts of you I want to love more; the parts with or without me in it; but everyone will say to love a person is to love them wholeheartedly which is fucking bullshit there will always be a shattered glass piece stabbing you in the heart when you least expect it; like now
How I really want to walk away from this relationship but when I see you trying (but not hard enough) but I caved in; because that's the effect you have on me
How you will never realise all this unless I am titanium enough to verbalise every single knot and cranny in my heart; my heart that only crave for your love;
How tired I am fighting all of these on my own; how I want you in this battlefield with me because this Cold War of ours has got to stop; cold because I have yet to explode
How I missed you the most on Sundays
x x x